Being me is really painful .
nobody care .
the words they use doesnt really flare .
to them its just a word
to me its a dessert .
a dessert of pain .
with nothing to gain .
im force to keep everyting to myself again .
i want to keep it a status quo .
its tiring painful . but for the sake of not being selfish .
do you even care ? to you i'm talking to myself .
but i am force too . becoz all this years it has been a one sided love .
since pri 6 all the way till now .
certain events lead to what i am today .
i hate being me its painful really .
nobody will really feel the actual pain .
i want to be like everyone else .
but i cant .. the devil speaks thousand of words making me think of you .
but i really want to erase you .
the devil is everywhere in a form of your fren or your family .
making you heat up for nothing .
really sick of it .
do you even care ? .
I noe if you even read this you might think i'm just mumbling rubbish .
theres alot of hidden meaning here .
my true self want to be with you . while the other tryin to reject you .
its very hard battling . unless i make it clear to you .
will you take it in strive i wonder ? .
it concerns me and you .
my future . and perhaps yours .
i do not want to be selfish . hence i want to keep tis pain .
we seem so merry all the time in this cyber world .
but in reality its just a pain waiting to be inflicted .
i keep telling myself this .
but my true self seems to rebut .
its tiring . really tiring .
sometime wishing to just end it all .
perhaps the selfish way of hiding this forbidden secret .
a love which forbids all tings .
will just be bury with me .
a stupid thought but at time hold truth .
after much say .
i try very hard to keep us as status quo trying to inflict dmg to myself with past memories .
the humiliation the pain you cause . do you even remember ?
i do .
even if we cant i really hope you will treat me like everyone else .
thats my final wish .
but i doubt it will come true .
the god the people and everyting doesnt seem to grant me anyting .
perhaps i asked way to much last time hence the suffering now .
baby i wish to call you . your smile is sweet . no matter what its pure to me .
the smile i hope to conjure from you will nvr exist .
because the devil is the other person which seems to be laughing at me now coz he successfully inflict some pain .
i battle it alone .
i wish to talk to someone but i cant . i do not want to be selfish .
to end this battle is to be selfish . but i DO not want to be that .
like you all are selfish to me so be it . i swallow it as a whole package of pain given by the devil .
see me smile see me laugh see me play is all part of the puppet show .
i feel like retiring .
really .
i really hate pouring my feelings out . its stupid . really stupid .
i really hope an angel will just appear to grant me my last wish . will it ?
been 3 years and going . the first wish was granted to be frens with you .
the 2nd wish doesnt work to be with you perhaps im going to resign to it .
to be truthful the last time i felt really happy was last year .
to be exact 2009 is a bad year for me .
pain pain and pain .
just like 2003 .
isit meant to be this way ?
i wonder .
will it end ? will ppl accept me ?
perhaps some .
i admit i really think of you day in and out hoping for that smile to be on me as you do it to others . perhaps its the best gift .
but no you treat me like im a parasite .
i got no choice but to lay my head low .
why am i still loving you despite everyting ?
perhaps its the grand plan of the devil to drag me to hell .
to commit sin to die early . i don noe .
perhaps it was my doing 3 years ago to get what i want .
perhaps tis is my repayment .
nobody noe what i did 3 years ago .
and here i shall say .
i mess with the supernatural .
and it works .
and i regretted it .
perhaps now is the time i repay my debt .
the thousand of voices and pain . calling me .
i cry and cry . i love my family my fren and lastly you .
i noe if i have to leave forcefully i am being selfish .
if not i am being selfish too .
no matter what choices and decision i try to make .
its all selfish .
i really want to go out now to shout *I LOVE YOU* .
but i cant really cant .
all i forsee is a smack a torture nvr ever before .
a humiliation nobody suffer before .
tis is what i see .
am i really of that a faithful lover ?
or maybe its just me ?
i dont noe .
so far all my love or crushes . seems so nice .
only to inflict me pain one by one .
except the particular one which i resort to supernatural .
and hence the bigger pain and karma hitting me now .
i dont blame anyone but myself .
this few days i felt pain in the chest .
breathing seems like a chore .
if you want to mess with me this way .
do take it away .
though i may go with an opposite smile on my face .
at the very least i pay my debt .
and the selfish debt i owe perhaps will be carried on .
it may nvr be an ending cycle .
even if i have to go .
i really wish to see that last smile .
on everyone face .
its calling me again .
saying the only way to end all tis is for a miracle to happen .
a miracle that my forseeing is wrong .
but i guess it will really nvr happen .
i'm sorry if i ever hurt anyone unintentionally .
may you all hate me or disrespect me .
i dont blame anyone .
perhaps its the devil grand plan .
[Style No' Nizzle] Normie...
rained at 11:32 pm
