well been so many days since i last blog i GUESS . which is true =.= . and ya i tend to blog only unhappy stuff i dunno y ?
today is the 30th day of the new year . 2010 doesnt seem to be much good . no happiness . only pain confusion once again .
let me start from my o lvl result . i got a 26 point and my jae jus posted me to ITE Bishan . i was shocked and had sleepless night . i tried to appeal but they told me im not eligible coz i did not meet the entry requirement . which is bullshit when school tend to emphasise on CUT OF POINT ! . oh well that aside .. i rlly want to get into a poly . seeing all my frens able to enter poly put me in such envy . why did MOE haf to giv me some hope by putting in my JAE that im eligible to apply for POLY courses ? and jus to crush my hope by sending me to a ITE ? if in the first place they had not given me this much hope i wouldnt be in this disappointment ..
dis two days seems like a dread to me . i may appear strong and stuff but deep down in my heart its bleeding . again .
in my mind at first i rlly nid to secure a diploma i do not want to spend another year ! since i've retained during sec 3 :( . so i tot of going for private diploma a t MDIS . i tot im going to happy since my family is going to support me in this . but theres other thing im not able to fulfil my dream by joining a dance CCA . or even get a partner perhaps ? well throughout my 19 yrs in life i don even noe how does being in a relationship feels like . its always me and myself its always so one sided . so i feel like such a ...
that aside if i go to private diploma i will be spending 1 yr obtaining it then 2 yrs in NS and after that i have to start working life . i fear my future will be bleak ? like theres no aim of some sort ? i dun noe . i just cant believe im already an adult now .
people wont understand that how envy i get when i see ppl in poly ..
at work i see couples eating tgt so loving and sweet ..
my eyes dont tear but my heart does . no matter how hard i try i noe theres always
nth in store for me .
i tried believing in fate and god . but yeah so far it doesnt get bttr but worst .
today i felt so heavy and sad at work . i put on a strong front ..
but poor faishal keep getting shouted by me .. coz he joked with me but i took it as an indirect insult but its so automatic of me to jus scold all the words out even vulgalarities .. i assume my colleagues think im a babarian of some sort ..
then jus now we watched movie theres my colleague whom is afraid to go home alone so i told her i will sent her by cab since its otw to my house . as a friendly offer ..
and she asked me "are you for real?" .. den i say " do you think im joking ? dont i look serious enough .. " then she say " ya u tend to joke alot :/ " .. den im like ok perhaps im a douche bag of some sort which i dont even realise .. i keep getting remarks like " are you the real norman why are you so nice today " .. i keep wondering have i been bad all this while ?? or did i just hurt ppl with my words or gesture .. but nobody will understand this heart of mine .
i feel like im walking ard with a mask all this while .. i feel so tired .
when i keep quiet and start myob .. ppl will start to ask "norman why r u so quiet? r u ok?"
when i start to talk ppl will go "norman shh norman w/e norman ..."
so what in the world im suppose to do ?! .
i dunnno rlly . i cant seem to make much decision . now
i really wish something good is really in store for me . coz basically im really tired of this life games .
love .. nvr works out for me .
friends .. nvr seem to try to understand my plight .
family .. seems to be complacent .
i dun even noe whr i belong ...
even after i write all this my heart is still feeling heavy ..
im just praying if theres rlly nth in store for me just take me away from this misery . coz i really feel like such a loser in my own world . even i try to believe in my strength its always crushes ..
i will always giv my full support to everyone .
i will always try to see happiness in everyone .
i mention that i dont mind . actually i mind .
i may say i don care but i care .
even if im suppose to be in alot of pain i don mind as long as ppl stay happy .
becoz if ppl are sad it will double my pain .
i guess thats jus wat is going on .
i rlly envy those two .. hais .
looking across the sky wondering whr is mine .
[Style No' Nizzle] Normie...
rained at 1:57 am
